airport

i had done this so many times.  i have stood there at the airport, and said goodbye to my family since i was 10.  my family even stopped coming to the airport because it was such a common occurance, and we were going to see each other again soon anyways. the only reason they may have started to come to the airport was probably because incheon airport is full of stuff to do.  mainly coffee shops for my caffein obsessed family.

but this time was different.  everyone was there.  my dad, sister and my mom.  my mom was never a flashy chracter so she had on a simple white wool coat and a pink/purple hat that she had begun to wear after she shaved her head.  she shaved her head after a month of trying to obsessively pick up her falling hair. she just got sick and tired of it and about a week before my departure, went to town on her head.  i don't even think she used a proper razor. she had used scissors.  after cutting all her hair off, she began to wear random hats around the house.  i never saw what it looked like truly. she never showed her bald head.

as i stood there at the security gate, i began to say goodbye to everyone.  i hugged my sister and dad, and my mom last. i looked at her slightly longer, but not too much longer because i knew i would see her again.  for some reason, i had no doubt in my mind that i would see her again soon.  very soon. and i felt quite comfortable leaving her because i knew that she would be okay.  she turned around and walked away.  she didn't linger because we never lingered the 16 years that i had been leaving to go back to the US.  we all turned away, happy knowing that we would see each other again soon.  very soon.

that was the last time i saw my mom in a conscious state. i still remember that ugly hat that she wore to cover up her bald head.  i remember her back as she turned away to head back home.  that was the last time i saw her standing and talking.  i wish i  didn't leave with such confidence that everything was going to be okay. i wish i had lingered a little longer and had given her a longer hug. and a more heartfelt "i love you".

airports are not the same anymore. my goodbyes are longer as if they will be my last.